April 8th, 2004
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Standing up straight and not knowing about being old
I suppose normally I have really bad posture. I mean I slouch and hunch my shoulders. If you’ve ever seen me, the way I present myself must give you awful conceptions about the kind of person I am. My mom used to get on me a lot about it. I like to think it’s because I’m so tall, and I don’t want to look down to see people, so they don’t think I’m a snob; but that’s a really lame excuse.
I thought about it today consciously, then I looked up at the sky and realized how big the world is, and then why should I crawl along the surface when I have all this space to fill above? That’s generally the idea in Japan. There’s not enough space horizontally, so you compensate by building upwards.
I seem to be more wiry and limber this week, I’m not sure why. Each day’s taiso has been a pleasure, not a chore. And my neck isn’t as stiff. Mikiko says it’s because I’m wearing clean pants, though I’m dubious as to how much that really matters. I didn’t do laundry for a month because of moving, travelling, and not having a washing machine. Though I’m not one to wash jeans anyway really, because this girl in college, Becca Missal (who wore the same ones for three whole _months_), said they were more comfortable that way. … It’s weird, I’m only twenty four and already it seems like thirty percent of everything I do is because someone I used to be close to did it. I guess I’m really anxious to integrate and evolve myself into people I admire. So now I HAVE TO wash between my toes everytime I take a shower, and I used to never do it at all.
I saw a lady that reminded me of my grandma this morning. She was wearing a yellow rain slicker and directing kids across the street. I can imagine my grandma doing the same thing, maybe I should suggest it to her.
crossing guard in a yellow hat, showing the kids the way to school…
I actually feel kinda bad about the whole grandma situation. She lives alone with her dog (who’s getting up in years), and she’s probably kinda bored and lonely. I wonder if anyone imagines that when they’re young. “When I retire, I’m going to live by myself and kinda just do not much of anything.” If I ended up with an empty house and no job I’d find some old friends to move in with and start a band, or form an art consortium, or _something_. That’s probably a really irreverent thing to say, and indicative that I have absolutely no idea what it’s like. I mean, I want to live with her a lot. I want to take her up on all those offers of rent-free, home-cooked paradise, but I can’t. As much as I want to keep her company, tell jokes, try to explain what I do, the things I think about…but it’s like she was young and she lived her life as she saw fit. And not it’s my turn, to live my life the same way. But that’s a very American thought, as some would say, and selfish.
Another way of looking at it is that your parents and grandparents took care of you when you were young, so in thanks and respect, you later take care of them in return. So everyone’s always caring for someone, except when you’re a kid and unable to. It seems like this cycle leaves a lot of people unhappy, because if it’s always for someone else, no one really ever gets what they want. Unless that’s all people want is to care for someone else. It’s two ways of thinking. I know my mom would say that what she wants is for me to be safe, healthy and happy. And to the things I want to do. But that sounds like baby-boomer talk, if you believe all those sociology books about each generation having certain circumstances and that affecting how they are as parents and in turn how their kids decide to act as parents.
Anyway, I wish I could make my grandma happy, but I know I can’t live in Virginia. At least not now. I gotta keep running down this crazy red and green path that shot off from where everyone else went, I-95 or 101.
