April 5th, 2005
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The paradox of existence and contradiction of the self
I have just returned from lunch and a short spell of contemplation. The very fact that I am writing this now is a contradiction of what I just considered, but I have decided to indulge myself for a few minutes.
This town, which I will soon leave, is like everything else and undergoing change. The last year and a half have seen some considerable construction and rezoning near the tracks just west of the station, and a small bridge which I used to stand on an look into the sunset is no longer there. Dirt paths have been replaced with asphalt roads and new housing. As I sat on the soon-to-be-opened tarmac, my face again looking west, I received the glistening sun and a small amount of edification.
For the most part I focused on breathing, and afterwards considering the paths to taming my unrest and opening the way forward. However, it was after coming to some given conclusions that I discovered the deeper meaning. My thoughts went something like this,
I wish I had my Palm and a keyboard to write down my thoughts, these are really good.
Why?
Because I would like to put them in my blog.
Why would you put them in your blog?
Because that way people who know me will know what I’m thinking, what my life is like… to express myself.
Why do you have to express yourself?
Because it validates my existence and makes me feel fulfilled and secure.
Your existence is not validated if it occurs without expression? Are you not still here whether you write this down to show someone or not?
Well, I would exist, and my life would go on regardless. I suppose these things happen whether I record them or not.
True.
But it helps me remember where I’ve been, if I record these things.
You may forget the individual words, but you will still be changed by the events and the contemplation. You cannot alter how repetition and experience will affect your growth. Just being here makes the most difference.
I suppose that’s right.
So needing to express yourself to feel secure and validated really is quite a trivial thing, yes?
Yes.
And if it brings further strain and urgency into your life by doing it at a place when you have no time for it; it is even more unnecessary.
. .. …
…Wait, but me agreeing that expressing myself is trivial and largely unnecessary is a pretty bold statement to make considering how much of my energy and pleasure is derived from photography, which is built more on expression than anything else.
(Smiles)
It was more satisfying and eloquent than that, but of course I’ve already forgotten most of the words. Still, you get the idea. And although it would seem I haven’t taken this to heart by nature of my current exposition, I would maintain that I have. _Valuable_ change comes gradually.
From the second chapter…
It is said that much sake, self-pride and luxury are to be avoided by a samurai. There is no cause for anxiety when you are unhappy, but when you become a little elated, these three things become dangerous. Look at the human condition. It is unseemly for a person to become prideful and extravagant when things are going well. Therefore, it is better to have some unhappiness while one is still young, for if a person does not experience some bitterness, his disposition will not settle down. A person who becomes fatigued when unhappy is useless.
Ok, I feel a little better about my mood last night. I understand the motivation, and while the feelings are valid to some extent, I derive nothing from reiterating something that you (and I) already know all too well. As the commander says to Vader at the beginning of Return of the Jedi, “We shall redouble our efforts.”
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…
Yes, when I think in this manner I do indeed refer to myself as “you”. [Wow.]
