May 28th, 2005
111743617354987045
Think, think, think, think
I think a lot. I really can’t imagine not thinking as often as I do. Some people say I think too much. A lot of people say I think too much. I think when I’m in the bathroom; I think when I’m walking down the hall; I think when I’m riding my bike home from work every day. My dad spends a lot of time on the road driving to visit job sites. I think it’d drive me nuts not really doing anything but driving down interstates, but he says he likes it because it gives him time to think. He may be the only person I’ll never eclipse in hours logged consciously thinking. I wonder what he thinks about. He doesn’t talk much, so it’s gotta be pretty non-trivial stuff.
As I said I think on the way home from work. I even think about what I think about, and file it all away in invisible drawers. If you asked, I’d probably tell you that sixty percent of the time I’m thinking about sex. It’s kind of cliche’, but I guess it’s true. Overall I guess I think about sex more now than I ever did in college, but the environment in which I’m forced to travel in kind of fosters it actually, if you think about it. This is mostly at night, so I’m tired from work. And of course night is time you’re most likely to be feeling rascally. And there’s not too much to look at. It’s dark, I’m riding uphill for several miles of construction-riddled war zone, and just about the only thing that stands out are the people walking down the sidewalk. There aren’t many, but nine out of ten are women aged twenty to forty. And they all have on the cutest outfits. Tokyo women have such nice style. The demographic truth is that there are several million more women in Japan than men, and markedly more so in the big cities, because that’s where the better jobs are supposedly. I’m not a sex-fiend, or anything; your body tells you things and the fantastical human mind twists and amplifies those things. I don’t make a practice of hunting down every pair of heels in a skirt, but the there is a very Faulkner-esque sense of meaty mortality present in my mind. But this is just a fraction of what I think about. It just happens to occur almost entirely on the road at night, with the dull throbbing knowledge that I’m going home to a house occupied only by a handful of Moogles and mini-carrots.
You know, it’s like the best way for things to happen is to not think about them, if you can help it. But I generally don’t like the idea of not thinking because that just seems apathetic and base. As sentient, creative beings we have so much potential, and to just let stuff happen seems like a hell of a waste. Because if you just wait for things to happen, they’re not going to. My friend Adrian once received a Christmas present in the form of a t-shirt that read, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” This reminds me of something Tsunetomo says,
Until the age of forty it is best to gather strength. It is appropriate to have settled down by the age of fifty.
I suppose you’re supposed to be satisfied with how good things are (however good that is), because if you always want what you don’t have, you’ll never enjoy what you do. But if you never have ambitions to improve yourself or your standing, what does that say about humanity? It’s pretty fatalist and weak, and we might as well all be hunter-gatherers.
On a clerical note, I’m pretty disappointed in myself for not realizing until last night that Brandon’s birthday was this week. I know I’d be a little bruised if my birthday came and went and he didn’t say anything. I mean, I know when it is, and I always have, I just didn’t realize how late in the year it already was. Pretty lame. Something must be done about this.
FF8 Airship music (making this up as I listen)
Beat in your soul and you’re flying so fast and far away,
Dancing-dancing-dancing
A blue feather before a sea-of-clouds
And you can swing breathe, and fall
Inside the fantasy you’ve longed for
Inside the dreams you knew
Over the hills and woods that grew when you were..young…
Beat in your soul and you’re flying
Dancing and dancing dancing now
A blue feather before a sea of clouds
Sounds like a mid-80s David Bowie or Moody Blues song.
Last night I met Yamamoto-san and Nakajima-san, and we had Okinawan food (my third goya dish of the week), and I drank a glass of 120 proof liquor, finished off with a bottle labeled “Ureshii Wain” (happy wine). I had some fucked up dreams about running around through the construction zone on Yamate dori, with Yamamoto-san reading vibes from the ground to tell which way to go to find food. I fell asleep at my desk about three times today.
Getting back to things happening without thinking about them, I think if now was three years ago, I’d be worrying a lot more about my relationship, and very hungry for active scoping, but instead it’s like my mind is in another room and I have these crazy-doped up half thoughts about being married and having kids and stuff. Not like “I need to make these things happen”, but more like it’s just general acceptance of something to be taken for granted. This is not orthogonal to the way I’d expect to feel, but it’s definitely a good slerp away from the base orientation from which I traditionally have looked at things. It doesn’t seem bad at all though, just something that’ll happen sooner or later, and like most things that take time and effort be incredibly challenging but infinitely rewarding.
[What the hell am I saying? I'm twenty-five! Aren't a little young for this> ...ack.]
I should be fat. I’ve had like four thousand calories today just because I’m so bored that I have to eat. I’ve been over every scrap of data on the internet, written a blog, napped, and done about thirty pages of kanji homework. All that’s left now is to play some emulated games I guess. I’m just too damn good at the one I’m making.
