May 28th, 2006
114882767814663079
The dichotomy of happiness
Why are you upset? You should be happy that you didn’t spread the poison of your selfish and hollow life onto another. How many times will it take before you realize all you can do is bring pain to those who are innocent enough to have faith in you?
[Sharp-eyed readers will notice the incredible, stabbing irony of my right wrist. I have been full of contradictions and lies for going on ten years.]
お疲れ様です。無事に帰りました。なみさん、今日本当に有難うございました。なみさんと皆さんにとってもお世話になっています。貴方は色んな用事があったんと思いますが、かなり私のことを守って助かった。恥ずかしいです。旦那さんもお祭りの心を教えて上げました。貴方たちとお母さんをありがたいんです。下村さんたちもいつも私のことをよく助かっているんから、どうもです。今年私は特にお神輿うまく出来たないの気がしますので、負けました。どこかで間違えた分かりませんけど、恐らく気合が足りなかった。最近仕事でもラブでも落ちて無茶苦茶なっていますから、本当に半分の人間の気がします。今日フォーカスして本当に頑張りたかったと思ってたが、だめだったと思います。それで、自分で色んな問題があるから、町会民にその悪い影響写ったから、ごめんなさいでした。帰っているときによく考えたことは「だれのために生きていますか。」やっぱり、仏教の魂[any moral human, actually...]を考えると、となりの人のために生けていないとなりません。自分をリスペクトを出来なくでも、国民の為に生活をしなかったら、全部はだめです。私は「カラオケ行こう」を言ったときに、貴方はぴったり返事したと思います。「下村さんたちは僕たちの為にケアーしているから、お先に他の所へいくと失礼」。そんなとおりです。すぐ貴方はそのこと言って私は反省しました。私はわがままでした。ずっとわがままでした。自分の体が痛いとお神輿をいきなり休憩しました。自分の痛みは関係ないですね。みさんよく言ったのは、お神輿は町のためです。だれでも一人のためではない。区民が集めて他の人間のためを頑張らなければ意味がない。What was I doing today? I don’t know. I wanted to help everyone so much, I worked hard to bake my cake. I wanted to do a good job at omikoshi. I tried hard to not get yopparai, because I wanted to listen to other people’s lives, and not think of myself. I’m sorry that I felt lonely and became selfish. Thank you for everything. I hope to repay your kindness.本当にお世話になっています。
…
In Catholic school, or somewhere along the way, I was taught that you can’t really love anyone else until you can learn to love yourself. The same goes for respect, I suppose.
You are not living, if you do not live for others. To live for oneself is self-defeating, and is surely the means to the end of the human race. I am guilty of such a treason so many times under a number of guises. Can you live for others while being utterly disgusted with your own mortal failings? Is that the path to happiness? I’m at the point where I realize I will only hurt anyone who has the innocent faith to believe in me. At least the knowledge of my own terminal condition is known. Once you’re honest about the way things really are, it’s mercifully much harder to play the fool and infect anyone else.
How old do I have to get before I can start taking full responsibility for my actions?
He shouted out his last word
And he stumbled through the yard
And she shattered her last china plate
And spun off in the car
When he lunged onto the hood
She stopped to tell him she’d been wrong
He was thrown head over heels
Into the traffic coming on
But then all is fair in love
Did you get my other letters
Sometimes I think I oughta call
Cause you know I often wonder
If you open them at all
Every couple nights or so y’know
You pop into my dreams
I just can’t get rid of you
Like you got rid of me
Oh but I send my best
Cause God knows you’ve seen my worst
But then all is fair in love
(All this breathing in, never breathing out)
I guess she made her way
Through the mob too late to hear him say
That he’d gotten all he’d wanted
A crowd to watch him bear the pain
He’d been keeping in - so what -
All is fair in love
