June 5th, 2006
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Recap, ignition
Crazy lazy the rave was mine; again new faces again new talkings, again dancing and shadows and smiles from unknown souls. For each pair of eyes I met and shared fraternity, a little bit of the poison leached in my soul bled away, bled away in sweat and washed off at the basin in water that hit the stone, neutralized and mixing with the earth, it was trod upon and stomped, ground into the dirt by the adulation of two hundred feet dancing.
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Than you Eromichi, you made me feel at home and mellowed me out. Thank you Oni for your disarming, childlike grin. Thank you Aibon for letting me feel needed in that nostalgic, collegiate way. On the other side of pain I was Roz, and I knew the sting of self-serving kindness. Thank you Take for your endless generosity and support, far out of your way you came for me, and so patient were you to learn my idiosyncracies. Ah the sweat and the odor, the tiny white tablets in water. I sat around a squat table littered with Kentucky whiskey and spoke to cameramen, in a circle with Leica and Pentax and TMax 3200. Envious there were, for me to be at this point in my artistic career, at the cusp of a maturation, the dusk before my first show.
[Conversations with cameramen.]
And I slept, again more than I thought I would, first cold, then hard, then freezing, and by morning terrible heat and moisture condensed on everything. Forgive me, A-1, for such shoddy treatment, my mind was not with you.
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…
Global Trancemissions
I need to do these thing when I’m young. I’m 26 and at my peak physically. Now is the time to start training. Now is the time to extend myself. Now is the time to change.
If not you, zen who? If not now, zen when?
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There are no more self-conscious days, embarrassed situations. Now I have to live for me, and be a colossal pillar of motivation and drive. Not to impress anyone, not to gain glory or recognition, but for me, because I can, because it is a sin to waste that possibility. I do this myself. I will build a house of learning, a monument to life. And I will do it without relying on anyone else. I will build this city with two hands, two legs, and a verve-pumping heart. There are no limitations, no boundaries, and no impossibilities. I will construct a shining tower of knowledge, a library to the stars, and a museum of experiences that extends from one sea to another. The details matter, but do not. I will not judge myself by how close things play out to my initial plans, but only by the volume and quality of the experiences I accumulate.
Much like you, Adrian, today I am making a decision, but this time, not to end being stupid. No, this time I decide to stop being so many other people, and start finding fulfillment in being the one man who matters most: me.
