August 15th, 2006
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I read your blog
While scanning pictures of Honmachi, I read what you wrote. I’ve seen you post a couple times on the eikaiwa community, and I liked what you said. Your comments made sense to me, so I read a couple entries from your personal blog. Your loneliness was taut, the luscious feelings you had made my heart ache. The things you said were interesting. They sounded a little like me.
You live close to here; it flashed in my mind that maybe we could be friends. After reading your blog some more, it seems that you are gay. That made me feel something else. Do I still think we could be friends? Of course. But my perception of you changed. Reading that filled me with images that didn’t come from your words, but from a whole bunch of things other people I don’t know said or insinuated. Why does my mind grasp for tangible, easy-to-sort stereotypes so quickly? Like a monkey, on a thin branch dangling out into the open, as soon as something firmer and more sheltered came into arm’s reach, I made a grab for it. I swung across and clutched it without thinking. It was a muscle twitch. I am not going to let my mind go where it is safe.
Sometimes I get angry when people honk at me while I’m riding my bike home from work. Sometimes I curse under my breath at those that I think are being crudely inconsiderate.
What if I am regressing? What if I stop being the person you love? What if I’ve already reached my apex, and now will only plummet into the quagmire of sloth and bigotry I was soaring over for so long? What if I’m already dead?
