autumn tactics

Autumn always seems like a time to reboot. The heat goes away, so doing things, simple things, isn’t laborious. Autumn has a lot of anticipation, too, so that adds a little fuel to the fire. I think part of it is programming from all those formative years where autumn meant new grade, new classes, school supplies, activities, aspirations, dreams. “This year it’s going to be different, I’m going to join all these clubs, make a million friends, be the top of my class and get Mary Jane Perfect to go with me to homecoming.”

But you can’t escape the drama. The drama follows you around basically forever until… well… if you’ve been talking to me a lot lately you know exactly what I’m talking about.

This weekend I.am.out. For better or worse, I’m going to Gentenkaiki with the two Satomis. This is a 3-day affair so I am going to pack to-the-teeth. There will be moving water, grass, quiet, Buddhism, noise, dancing, alcohol, ?1?#$, and undoubtedly drama.

But that’s my life in autumn. Drama.

Who are you? Is it your parents’ love? Your friends’ influence? Something you saw on television? What the girl on the street told you to be? Maybe all of it. You have no choice really, existing is experience, and the all the mind does is absorb and make it your own.

There’s something inside of all this, like an uncarved doll in a supple piece of wood. The question is will my conscious mind where the tools are kept listen to the wood?

I need to grow. But I am growing, or…

Plants grow, or they die. If they don’t receive the nutrition and care to sustain life, they die. But if they do, they grow. How they grow depends on a number of factors, some of which may be attributable to chaos theory and randomization, but more or less if you give plants a certain kind of environment to grow in, they grow a certain kind of way.

So I eat food, sleep, and move about. Life is sustained so I grow. Do I grow well? That’s another issue.

I think I am growing differently these last few months, and I think this is a good thing. It’s painful, but I think it’s more honest and truthful. Honest to myself more than anything I suppose. I wish it would hurry along, bringing all of the love, peace, and fulfillment that my stirs in my heart. But maybe it won’t be, or maybe it will be, but not for weeks, months, or years. I just don’t know. There’s so much that doesn’t make sense now.

But when a tree is cut, and its trunk is bent another way, things will always be unbalanced at first. So that’s what I have to find, balance. But balance takes time. So for now I focus on my ideal, and I pray.