autumn tactics

How many reasons do I have to have to explain the way that I feel well maybe I don’t have to or it doesn’t matter if I do or what or not and it’s done by me not you and old still something new left alone on my on with friends under the sky on a highway in a train by myself with fields of grain rice and mountains beyond to the oceans with sand and towels and people I don’t know but laughing it looks so much fun it’s just a part of the things that make me smile and laugh and it’s okay if you can’t understand it because I’m sure you feel it too it’s just inside and bubbling through in a different way because we’re both human and I love you no matter what happens to us and that’s just enough for me.

ええねん!

It’s two o’clock on Thursday, I’ve been in the States for roughly seventy-six hours so far. I’ve been more agitated by minor things than I really think I should, it’s a little surprising and disappointing, actually. But there’s a lot of Buddhism-inspired analysis that can be applied to that. I have new socks (beer mugs and shamrocks for St. Patrick’s Day), and a nice clearance sale oxford from Old Navy. I’ve eaten cheese, drank Coppola wine and Harp Ale, and eaten for sustenance but without much thought.

I’ve been able to meet several of my friends from graduate school, including Elan, Shawn, Ray, and Brenda. It’s been a road of minor, mild successes and learning, but I think that’s really all I could hope for. Although, it really bothers me to be relegated to using a fork for eating salad. I really should have brought some chopsticks with me.

I’ve been up and down on the kigen scale today…small victories including getting my monochrome Visor working with keyboard, small failures including not correctly updating my email or contact information when HotSyncing. Yes, I can blog, yes I can take notes in session (eight megs free and padicty on the fritz). I love trains and the Keisei line. Okada-san and I talked about many things foreign and domestic. No, I did not bring ukon with me, no, I do not plan to get drunk. Yes, I type HTML tags into my entries directly, yes the plane took off an hour late due to malfunctioning weather report software at the Narita control tower (thank you Windows).

I’m performing the dustpan-organizing that always happens when travelling or making a visit to doctor… receipts and bank statements to the trash, blog entries from curled pocket notepad to Visor. Ah, but so fresh, so new, so many old things reoccurring. No, there’s hardly a soul to meet this week, but a wander, some exploration, some photos, a lot of listening, and hard, stingy hotel mattresses.

At least I have Masa’s Eaton vol. 11 mix to see me through it all.

Sometimes a man meets a woman and is sure of his future in an instant. Sometimes it takes him his whole life. I used to believe that there was a certain way to fall in love, but as the years have passed I’ve grown to believe that there is no correct way to love a person. Change is eternal, and the only unifying constant in the world. I will be what I was but more and never less, forever.

What frightens me is what I don’t understand, and what may be. But I can’t predict the future, not from reading a thousand books or running a million experiments. But I can choose how I live and who I am, every day from now until the last. It’s nothing unique in its existence, but the actions I take are.

I am independent, and a voice, one of billions but one nonetheless. I have no more right to my own pursuit of happiness than any other, but no less either. My freedoms and privileges are immutable and as natural as the force of wind. These things are to my mind undeniable, so perhaps that is why the founders of America declared them as such. Be it God or chance, we have been given these infinite possibilities. So quick to favor ourselves and shift doctrine to ego, being human is certainly a challenge. Though we can identify with the ideals of freedom, truth, and love, they are not automatic. However it is said that nothing of any value comes easily. These beliefs number among our greatest strengths, our instinctive and unflagging desire to challenge, grown, and learn. So flawed is man, but so beautiful. As troubled in petty ways as I forever may be, I have never for a moment wished to be directed as to be infallible and not make decisions on my own. Life is hard, and it’s the hard that makes it great.

May all the buddhas of love and compassion always give me strength, so I may share it with others.

Thank you mother, thank you father. Thank you all.