autumn tactics

Time flows like a river, my consciousness for long times submerged. Occasionally I hit a bend, or get a tenuous grip on a large rock, and I see the scenery around me changed. Far upstream, on the shore, a glimpse of yesterday, of perhaps a piece of myself I lost, reflected in the sad eyes of another.

時間を掛けたら、全部のものが腐敗。愛のもの、情熱のもの、ちょったした美しいもの。

心酔したものの一つが腐敗してる。心酔したの一つは成熟してる。

最初から気に抜けた僕はどう信じたらよい分からなくなった。

I have a lot of theories that form the framework for my philosophy. Like most people, they’re a cobbled amalgamation of experience, stories, consumed media and things I don’t quite correctly remember someone saying.

One thing that I currently put stock into though is the process for learning something, in particular a craft. Without going into too much detail, a cornerstone of the process is being to judge quality dispassionately. In the critical evaluation of an expression’s fulfillment of the art form, growth may be obtained through practice. Without the ability to separate the wheat from the chaff, there’s no basis to evaluate one’s work and all that ends up being produced is garbage. Unfortunately, I don’t have enough critical ability to evaluate music right now, and it’s impeding my composition. Without this I just paddle around in circles modifying the same elements over and over feeling that something is “wrong”, but not knowing what to do about it.

With software engineering, and to a lesser extent mechanical and electrical, I can tell you what is done well and what is not. It’s easier to build these skills because in science right and wrong is a lot more cut and dry. With photography, from an implementation standpoint I can hold my own, expression-wise things become a little fuzzy. In any case, musically I’m hamstrung by this and I need to grok the difference between “good” and “bad” when it comes to rhythm and timbre.

昨夜搬入帰りながらかなり重要なことを気づきました。最近写真展の客さん評判を心配したけど、気づいたら、評判は重要じゃない。そもそもこの写真展の趣旨は大切な友達を感謝するためです。そして写真展を準備しながらその人たちのことを愛情込めて賛辞として作りました。それでもう成功です。

This is important so I’ll say it in English as well.

Recently I’ve been worrying about the critical reception to my show since I’ve invested so much time and money into it. But when I was on the way home from the installation last night I realized something: it doesn’t matter what sort of critical reception I get. The original motivation behind this exhibition was to celebrate my friends; the ones that pulled me up and helped get my feet under me here in Japan. And when I was preparing for the show that’s what I did; I fondly thought of the people in the pictures, all they’d done for me, and I made these photographs as a tribute to them. So the show’s already a success.

Thanks for helping make it one. 皆さん本当に有難うございました。

写真を搬入済みです。ギャラリーのスタッフの皆さんが凄く親切で助かりました。写真の張りが終わったら鍋とビールをエンジョイしながら僕の展示について色んな質問を聞かされました。感謝です。

じゃあ、これ以降はお客さんの受け取り次第ですね。ちょっと心配します。とりあえずこれ以上言わないので、どうぞ自分で先にみてください。それ後に感想を聞かせていただきます。

写真のギャラリーを復活しました。サーバー上にの問題だったけど、壊れてたのが今日気づいただけ。自動的にその通知がほしいけど、なんだろう。とにかく、またギャラリーを見えなかった教えて貰えば助かります。迷惑を掛けましてすみませんでした。

The gallery is back online. There was a server-side problem with one of the database tables being crashed, though I just realized it today. I suppose it may have been down for several weeks. Ideally, I’d like to receive some automated notice when it goes down…hmm. Anyway, sorry for the trouble, if you have trouble getting into the gallery or the random image on the sidebar again, I’d appreciate it if you let me know. Thanks.

Admittedly applicable to many, perhaps, but right now applicable to me.

明後日「この視点から」を開催します。今週末締め切りぎりぎりまで告知交流です。年末だからか、写真の仕上がりが完全に終わったからか、よく分からないけど意外と落ち着いています。写真展についてこの気分が始めてですから、ちょっと気になります。

とにかく、明日は搬入でと明後日からはお客さんとの関係育つです。皆さんに会うように楽しみしています。

明日は暗室のラストだ。色んなことを注意して仕上がりましたけど、まだ完成は一歩先の気がする。写真に全精神を打ち込みたいです。プリントと心が繋げないと、伝わりたいメッセージが暈ける。

写真。心。ディスタンス。

そのギャップを埋めるために意識を鍛錬しないといけない。まず瞑想して答えを探します。

開催は後二週間弱です。毎晩一種の進行です…広告、プリント用意、またはネガの棚卸。今回の展示は七割モノクロのプリントを出しますが、幾つかこう見たいのカラー写真も展示します。これは2008年の正月、一人で角館に旅して、孤独に包まった。本当に美しかった、あの誰もいない寂れた城郭都市。

There are forces buried inside of me that I cannot comprehend; laying dormant, inactive. I could live a lifetime never knowing they exist were it not for a chance combustion. Music as a concept as a pure rod of unscored metal, a blank key with limitless possibilities. From the moment we are born until the day we die, we could listen to every composition ever conceived and not find the exact match for the signature of our soul.

But there is a flash, a moment, when that discovery is made, and all of the tumblers fall into place. The combination is complete– a maelstrom of fervor and ectasy is unlocked. The discovery of a lifetime, the infinite sequencing of the mind dissolved. My eternal key is Mat Zo’s 24 Hours. [Right around the three-minute mark my restraint unwinds....]

本格的に写真を撮り始めたは2006年です。日本へ移住した四年目、その年色んな区切りとなる時期がありました。愛と出会って恋に落ちた。レイブに行く頻度が上がって、友達の輪が数人だけから広がりました。

なぜ写真を本格的に撮って始まったか。振り返るとコンパクトデジカメの画質に限界もなったし、展示するのことを考え始まった。自分が感じていることは凄く濃くて、経験したことが美しく過ぎて、もう頭がおかしくなると思った。人生からの眩しい誠喜びを誰かとシェアしないといけないと思った。それで、その気持ちを他の人に再現するため、第一歩で芸術的にフィルムの世界に入りました。

I’ve been thinking about moving recently, to Shimokitazawa, perhaps, to be closer to an active community of young, frenetic artists. However, since I’ve purchased an amazing Presta valve-compatible foot-activated pump for the Trek, I’ve been immensely enjoying riding up and down the Yamanote Line. This bicycle is a golden chariot nimble as a scalpel when slicing up smooth pavement. And the roads at three in the morning are blessedly barren of traffic, so I dart through intersections with the whistle of the wind in my ears.

From my ideally located command center in Yoyogi, in fifteen minutes I can get anywhere from Takadanobaba to halfway between Ebisu and Shibuya on this baby, every sinew loving the efficient euclidean bond between my feet and the Huret drivetrain.

Tonight I left work around nine-thirty, tried to take the Enjoy to Cosmos Cafe in Shibuya (but had to leave it in the parking lot with a flat), taxied up Miyasamazaka to see the Kawaki sisters’ dance, and then sped home to print up more flyers for the show. Around one-thirty I pried myself away from Beer Fest and beat up Meiji Street to catch Mayu’s DJ set at Emotional Signal in Waseda. Now it’s past four and I am almost exhausted. The standard fair six hours’ sleep, and tomorrow I help Okada-san move. Ah, joie de vivre.

「この視点から」開催後約三週間です。写真はいっぱいプリントされていますが、統一感が全体的に足りないので、今週末カラープリントを加えてパターンを洗い出します。人物のクローズアップとワイドショットのコンビになる気がします。

皆さん楽しみしてください。

The greatest passion is the unthinking. There is no doubt, no questioning, no measurement of the fervor. An unseen force grips the heart and spurs the body into action. I am consumed of late by a subtle form of madness. I come home from the office as always around ten and immediately set to work. Scanning film, adjusting levels, printing proofs, tweaking text. I scour the internet for resources on technique, reference media, and self-promotion. The whirlwind around my fingers does not stop until well past three in the morning, when I collapse in a pile upon the last vacant spot in my upturned room.

For two weeks I have continued like this, my every idle second spent on combing the deep recesses of my mind for forgotten tasks.

So buried in photography have I become that I can’t even remember actively what I’m doing.

Exhausted. After one more darkroom marathon session and class I must crash…