昨日も今日も頑張りました。自分には善くないことが多くて分かっていますが、自分に善いことも多くて分かります。心の中に、戦ってる人がいて、その人が勝つため応援している人外にもいる。この世には毎日偉大さの近い人が数億いるなのに、彼らはどのぐらい偉大さの近いにいるのは分かってるかな。僕みたいの大変眩しいな人、僕みたいの大変不完全である人、もちょっと頑張れる人…

ちょっとだけ温もりに近づくと自分の不完全さがつかの間でも納得できるの人…

その人になりたい。心の中に、何かを許せば、

その人を愛されようにさせて。

一時期に私は良い人間だったけど、どこかでだめなった。

We talked about life apart, what it was like not living to see each other at the end of every day, what it was like with everything unhooked, like some kind of unused internal organ. Severed from the flow of blood but carried around inside, always with me.

We laid on opposite corners of a large bed, far apart and facing each other.

自分もよくわからないけど、I’m sorry.

Lover Soul
だんだん不思議な夜が来て あたしは夢の中へ
だんだん不思議な夜が来て あなたと夢の中へ
堕ちてく天使は 炎を見出してく

だんだん不思議な夜が来て あたしは夢の中へ Oh,Wow
だんだん不思議な夜が来て あなたと夢の中へ
歌声は響く 凍える冬の空に

あなたと2人で このまま消えてしまおう
今 あなたの体に溶けて ひとつに重なろう
ただあなたの 温もりを 肌で感じてる 夜明け

今日 汚れなき羊達は
命の水を注いで
雪の中を彷徨ってる

だんだん不思議な夜が来て あたしは夢の中へ Ah…

あなたと2人で このまま消えてしまおう
今 あなたの体に溶けて ひとつに重なろう
あなたと2人で このまま消えてしまおう
今 あなたの体に溶けて ひとつに重なろう
ただあなたの 温もりを 肌で感じてる 夜明け

-Judy and Mary

Though I’m not sure I deserve it given the amount of diligence I’ve been putting into practicising lately, I bought it. Oh well, we’ll see what happens…

In the meantime photographs from Berlin and Amsterdam are finished, so you can start with those or rummage through the blog archives from last August to December.

Menthol cigarettes, chianti reserva, Miles Davis and sandalwood.

Sometimes life slows down, whether you really want it to or not. Maybe because you need it to. Maybe because that’s all you can take.

I rode my bicycle home, slowly, and took a shower. I rinsed out the cans in the sink and put on an undershirt. I slouched down into the sofa and got my deal handed to me straight by a Chinese girl. I’m attractive between my forehead and my mouth. I’m quiet.

I sat down at my desk and thought about modality, I sat down at my desk and thought about ego.

Why don’t I get a girlfriend? I cook sometimes, with spices. In China big televisions are cheap, but in Japan life is good. Work is good, the city is good. Lots of things are good.

The scales are blue and in a ten-measure cycle. My life is blue and in some kind of cycle.

Life is kind of blue.

東京。最大の首都。

何百万人のサラリーマンがいるんだ？たった一人の幸せは何？お金？嫁さん？プラモデル？

いや、違います。

イカ納豆、モロキュウ、ゴーヤー玉子とじ、とサッポロ生ビール。

はい。幸せ。

考えています。言うまではあまり考えなかった。もっと正確に言えば、考えたくなかった。三十年この世に暮らして、意外と苦しみがそらせるように上手くなりました。最初から無意識に僕は愛するべきの気持ちを消しました。苦しみをそらすように。

でも自分の心から苦しみをそらすため、どこっかで、他の所へ流すのが必要だった。それが悪かった。最初から悪かった。僕への慈悲の気持ちが要るけど、自分の心がシェアできない。だから最悪のことした。大切な人の心に対する無頓着でした。

無頓着。最悪だった。

考えています。もっと考えたほうがいいけど。

何を感じたらいい？感じたい。

I’m wide awake
I’m wide awake
Wide awake
I’m not sleeping

So it’s 2010. In the end of December I went to Seattle on business and then a week later had my first live musical performance in roughly twenty years, and then a week later I went to Berlin and Amsterdam for my third European excursion. I have fifty pages of notes in my Kellogg’s journal, as well as seven rolls of film, but for that you’re just going to have to wait a little. In the meantime here are my new year resolutions.

The tangible:
1) I will have at least two photo exhibitions this year, one of which will be at a private showing
2) I will produce at least one EP length album of entirely new music produced

The intangible:
I will be more at peace with my decisions in life, both personal and professional, and towards this more honest with myself and others. To thine own self be true.

The days are short here. It’s quarter to eight and the sun still hasn’t come up. In a short while I suppose I’ll trek out and start walking, or perhaps take the S-bahn. There are a number of markets that open on Sunday I’d like to see. Currently I’m debating whether I should change into my long johns. Hopefully toilets don’t carry a charge here as well. To me there’s something very appealing about this all, not knowing when or where your next chance for comfort/self-preservation will come. This follows in the Rob canon of never turn down a chance to use the restroom. Food, warmth, and toilet are all things that you never want to be stuck hunting for, so best take advantage of the opportunities as they come.

…

17:10

Behold! Tegernseer Hell! The dignified white and blue label of true German pride and an unassuming 500ml bottle to match. Germans don’t fuck around with pissy 333ml bottles, hell no. Germans know bier. Brie, not so much. Chene d’Argent “fresh” style brie is virtually flavorless, odorless, and a waste of space. Forget about it. Sausage? Sure, I had me a Bochwurst in a rolee for 2,50 euros at Mauer Park Flea Market. Sucker was over 1.4 feet long if an inch and wide as a half-dollar. The roll is not so much a pitiful concession to carbohydrates as it is an edible napkin, so you don’t get your manly hands greasy. The dude asked if I wanted mustard. What’s German for, “Hell yes I do!”? According to Matt’s hostel guide to Berlin, “Do you have any horny single relatives?”, is… well, suffice it to say it’s past stupid o’clock my knickerbockered friends. As I was trudging back from Kaiser’s I spied a ‘Minimarkt’ across the street and said aloud to myself, “‘MiniMARKT’…’E'?! We don’t need no stinkin’ ‘E’ to spell MARKT!”

Accordingly to my body it’s 1:15 Monday morning which means I just got my first shower and bed in 38 hours. Oh hell yes I am bushed. I have no fucking clue what it will do to my body to sleep now at 5:30 p.m. but I don’t really give a damn. It’s dark out and my muscles are so sore I can hardly move the pencil anymore. It’s time for more HELL, shitty brie francais and Fause. Ack!